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Heart of the Matter |
Sandra Doran |
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Savior
vs. Spouse |
Q:
My husband and I don't go to church because he feels that
going to an imperfect church will do us more harm than good. He
complains that most preachers don't believe their own message and
that all one hears in church is arguing and complaining.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll even go to heaven because I don't obey
God by worshiping Him. I just can't seem to get up the courage to
walk out the door and go on my own.
A:
It sounds to me as if you are in a mental battle between your
husband and your God. On the one hand, you want to please your
husband. On the other, you long to please God. It seems that
whatever decision you make, you are met with turmoil. By staying
home, you face the turmoil of your own conscience. By breaking
away from your husband's wishes, you face turmoil under your own
roof. In the midst of such a dilemma, both options lead to a
no-win situation.
The biggest question you must confront right now is whether you
are able to function as an independent thinker within your own
marriage. How much latitude do you have to make decisions on your
own? What happens when you do not agree with your husband? Do you
feel safe emotionally? Physically?
Your question has far more to do with healthy relationships than
it does with religion. Even if someone were to counter your
husband's negative biases with perfectly logical responses and
convince him to take you to church each week, what would happen
the next time you disagreed on another issue? For example, what
would happen if you wanted a part-time job, and he felt you
should stay at home? Or what if you wanted to make a trip across
the country for a family reunion, and he didn't like the idea?
Do you see where I am going with this? Church-going is merely the
lens through which a deeper problem is being made evident. The
real issue is whether you are able to make a decision on your own
and act on it. I am wondering whose problem this is, really? Does
your husband have such control issues that you fear to counter
his views, lest you pay some very unpleasant consequences? Or do
you lack the fortitude to face the world on your own? Or perhaps
it is a combination of both.
In order to resolve the church-going issue, begin by addressing
the underlying problem that is causing an unequal balance of
power in your marriage. I would suggest finding a Christian
counselor who can help you examine what is happening under the
surface. Once you feel stronger and things become clearer for
you, invite your husband to join you for the sessions.
In the meantime, please be assured that God is not scowling at
you from the heavens, blotting your name out of the book of life
because you find it almost impossible to attend church right
now. More likely, He is working on your heart, wooing you to meet
with Him so that you can enjoy the assurance that you are truly
and unconditionally loved.
While your relationship with your husband seems to be based on
fear and control, your relationship with God need not be.
Scripture is clear on this point. We do not earn our way to
heaven by accumulating points for going to church or doing good
deeds. The Bible tells us, "If anybody does sin, we have one
who speaks to the Father in our defense Jesus Christ, the
Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins."*
While establishing a healthy relationship with your husband will
undoubtedly take a great deal of work, you can enter into a rich
relationship with God right now. Ask Him for forgiveness for the
things that you have done wrong. Accept His righteousness.
Rejoice in His goodness.
With the assurance of His everlasting arms around you, I suspect
you will find new ways to enter into His sanctuary to praise His
name with the brothers and sisters who are waiting to hold you
up. *1 John 2:1, 2.
Reprinted with permission from Signs of the Times, January
2005, p. 21. Sandra Doran, Ed. D., is an associate superintendent
of education for the Florida Conference of Seventh-day
Adventists. (www.
signstimes. com)
TSS
September
/ October 2005 The Sabbath Sentinel
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